Always My Guide Prologue

[eachdraidhean]

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Before Dean going to hell, before the Trickster’s damn Mystery Spot, before Dean making a deal, long before dying in Cold Oak, Sam Winchester found himself conflicted.

He doesn't scare easy. Well, apart from clowns and midgets, and as long as Dean is around to laugh at him for that, it's not such a big deal. He's seen so much in his relatively short life that would frighten most people at least half to death that his defenses are high. And as long as he keeps a healthy respect for the damage that the things he hunts can inflict, he reckons it would take a lot to strike the fear of God into him.

A lot or losing Dean.

That's the one thing that makes him break out in a sweat if he thinks on it too long. They face danger every day, put themselves in harm’s way to save strangers and make the world a better place for normal, oblivious people to live in. So they both know that it's more than a possibility that they won't get much older than they already are. They got into the business way too young to dodge the inevitable eventually but knowing it and acknowledging it out loud are two different things.

But there's something that Sam keeps from Dean that he knows might separate them forever.

Him and Dean? They've only got each other. Sure, Bobby and Ellen look out for them when they can, but they don't have friends or drinking buddies. They have each other. And that's where, for Sam, it all starts to get complicated.

Another motel, another pair of queen beds, side by side, peas from the same pod, a bit like him and Dean almost, but the similarities outweigh the differences, Sam thinks.

He looks across the space between the beds to where his brother sleeps. Dean's lying on his stomach, hair mussed, arms curled around a pillow, hugging it tight. One leg has escaped from the blankets and as Sam watches, Dean stretches it, then curls it back in towards him, snuffling incoherently into his pillow.

Sam's been thinking way too much lately. About himself. About Dean. He's been wondering if there's a line between them that would break them apart if it was crossed. He wonders how fragile this line is. Could he slip his toe over it, gently test the water and know that if that water was too hot, or too cold, he could pull his foot back, and nothing would have changed. Or would testing said water inevitably lead to his whole life being split apart if Dean walked away from him. He needs Dean, needs his pain in the ass brother, needs his loyal friend, needs to know he can fuck up royally and still have someone around to help him pick up the pieces.

He can't imagine life without Dean, so he holds back from the risk of asking for more and being rejected, either out of hand or with soft, regretful eyes. If he took the risk, and Dean didn't walk away, would there still be this unsaid thing between them? An invisible wall of silence, words unspoken, but there none the less. "I know what you want but I can't give it to you." Would there be hesitation, where up until now, there'd been nothing but ease?

Across on the other bed, Dean sighs almost contentedly, and rolls over onto his back. He sprawls and shifts until he settles with one arm lying on the pillow and one lying across his stomach. His legs are now hopelessly tangled in the blankets and Sam smiles.

He weighs up the pros and cons again, something he does so often it's become like a mantra. He's thankful that his sense of self preservation is high enough to stop him from writing this down, because it's not the kind of thing he would want to fall into the wrong hands – into Dean's hands.

So, if he told Dean he wanted more, wanted to be closer, and Dean objected, what are the scenarios, in order from the worst up?

He could yell, punch Sam in the face, pack his things and walk out the door, and tell Sam he was dead to him now. Okay, a bit Italian Mafia, but that's the one possibility that makes Sam bury his head in his own pillow and close his eyes tight.

A little less than completely devastating would be the yelling, the punching, the walking out of the door, followed by a reconciliation of sorts where Sam's made to promise never to speak of it, and Dean never looks at him the same again. Which might actually end up sucking worse than the first option.

Maybe there would be some shouting, but instead of punching, there'd be hurt betrayal in Dean's eyes at how his baby brother could think of such a thing. Either that, or disgust, which Sam doesn't know if he could handle at all, so that's almost as bad as the first option too.

Maybe, it would just be different. Not awfully different, but just enough to change what they have now and he'd always regret saying anything if he lost what they already have.

Sometimes, Sam can go for weeks without thinking about taking the risk, without considering what he would actually do if Dean didn't turn away from him, if Dean wanted the same. Sure, he knows the mechanics of it, but when it comes to thinking about anything further than kissing, he draws a blank. He just wants to be closer, and he hasn’t figured out how close yet. And apart from being closer, Sam's still hazy on what exactly it is that he does want.

He wants to know Dean's his in the same way he's Dean's. Because what if some girl comes along who really turns Dean’s head, and suddenly Dean wants to hang out with her instead of Sam? Sam knows he's being massively hypocritical because he was the one who took off to go to college and left Dean behind. And alone. Yes, he had Dad, but Sam knew when he left what he was doing to Dean and he left anyway. Sam found himself a life with an apartment and a girlfriend. Hell, if Dean had turned up a few weeks later, she would have been a fiancé.

So Sam feels selfish. If the opportunity came along for Dean to have the same thing, someone who loved him like Jess loved Sam, Sam knows he'd be devastated.

And that's why he keeps going in circles.

He could keep quiet, never tell Dean how he really feels, and hope that no-one else comes along who isn't such a coward and steals Dean away from him. Or he could tell him, and risk losing Dean for good, or end up with something new and altogether scary. And what if something went wrong with that? How do you split up with your partner when he's your brother too?

“Sam?” Dean’s still mostly asleep and his voice is low and scratchy. “You’re thinking too loud. Quit it and get some sleep.”

Sam sighs. He hates his brain sometimes, wishes it came with an off switch. It would make sleeping a lot easier. It would make a lot of things easier. He wouldn’t have this constant battle playing out in his head.

“Sammy.” Dean’s still not exactly awake and Sam glances over guiltily as his brother untangles his legs from the blankets and scoots backwards on the bed, holding the blankets up. “C’mere.”

“What?” Sam’s tharn, a rabbit caught wide eyed in the headlights of an oncoming truck.

“You always slept better like this when we were kids.” Dean yawns. “C’mon Sammy, before I really wake up. Need to sleep, man.”

Sam gulps, gets out of his bed and lies down on Dean’s. Right on the edge. Dean’s arm wraps around his waist and pulls him firmly backwards so he can spoon against his back. And miraculously, Sam falls asleep, right where he wants to be.

Sam sometimes thought back to that night, and his almost innocent hopefulness. But weeks later, he dies in Cold Oak, they are set on a path that ends with Dean being dragged to hell, and he forgets what hope feels like.

Now, all he wants is revenge.

Chapter One